You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
