Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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