There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
