that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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