Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
