y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
