Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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