The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
please come you make the beer taste better
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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