dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
