i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Randomize
