i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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