that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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