peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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