distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
