cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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