my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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