can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
