It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
