I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
