I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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