I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize