I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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