drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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