As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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