I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
