3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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