I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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