If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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