This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
