was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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