I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He kissed a someone with a penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
