Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
