woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
