Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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