The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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