Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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