Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
