just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
