It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
