"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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