So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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