I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
