I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its not stalking. its research.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
