I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
