i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
