This is not my ceiling
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
