gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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