I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
