I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize