i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We are two peas in an std pod
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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