Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
then he tried to convert me to islam
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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