haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All the doctor said was why
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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