just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
