woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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