I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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