I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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