My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
